


Mending

by Under_the_Willow



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Azkaban, First War with Voldemort, Fix-It, M/M, Marauders, Post-First War with Voldemort, Remus Lupin Visits Sirius Back in Azkaban, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban, Sirius Black in Azkaban, Sort Of, What-If, more like hopeful ending, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 04:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21265157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Under_the_Willow/pseuds/Under_the_Willow
Summary: Remus didn’t know what he hoped to gain from this.He only knew that he needed to see him again.Needed to do what he’d meant to do, one month ago.Needed - closure.Or: Remus Lupin pays Sirius a visit in Azkaban.(Continuation of JustAnotherWordSmith's 'Broken Howl')





	Mending

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Broken Howl](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20446004) by [JustAnotherWordSmith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherWordSmith/pseuds/JustAnotherWordSmith). 

> So a few month's ago I read JustAnotherWordSmith's 'Broken Howl,' in which Remus goes to visit Sirius in Azkaban but can't bring himself to face him. It was wonderful and I loved it, but it fit within canon, meaning it ended with Sirius alone in prison. That depressed me, so I wrote this fix-it fic to cope! (And then my fix-it fic ended up being just as depressing as the work that inspired it because I am incapable of letting these characters be happy, but whatever, I've accepted this. I let them have happy endings; that's enough.)  
This fic is a direct continuation from JustAnotherWordSmith's, so definitely go check theirs out first!  
(Also I know I haven't updated By Any Other Name; if you've been waiting for that I'm so sorry, I'm still working on it, I swear. Sometimes you've just got to abandon your responsibilities and write self-indulgent one-shots.)  
Hope you enjoy!

A month passed before he returned. 

One month, full of midnight recollections of black waves and frigid cold; of blissful bitter nightmares of leather jackets and stark tattoos; of memories of kisses and curses and his best friends’ dead bodies.

One month, neatly punctuated by a full moon that ripped through him and left him sobbing and alone. 

So horribly alone. 

(He missed him so much. 

He missed all of them; of course he did - but he knew it was the absence of black fur and grey eyes that was destroying him most of all. 

He still loved him, despite everything - he couldn’t even deny it - and that was the worst part. And how could he even _ begin _ trying to live with himself when he considered his own selfish shame worse than his best friends _ dying, _ when he couldn’t even pretend he didn’t still love him, want him, _ need _ him -

Remus had always known he really was a monster.) 

One month, for anger to build up in him and seep through him and consume him like a curse. 

* * *

Dumbledore advised against it, again. 

“I don’t know what you hope to gain from this, Remus.”

Remus didn’t know either. 

He only knew that he needed to see him again. 

Needed to do what he’d meant to do, one month ago. 

Needed -

(-to look him in the eyes, to know, to make some fucking sense of how he could have laughed and smiled and _ been _ so much and _ done _ so much and meant _ more _ than the entire world and then turned around and set all of it on fire. Set it on fire and left Remus alone in the ashes while memories of his laughter echoed in the wind.

-to know if it had only ever been a lie. 

-to not be broken and shattered and falling apart.

-something impossible.)

-closure. 

* * *

The boat ride there was more agonizing than it had been the first time, though Remus wouldn’t have thought it possible. 

Waves surged and violently crashed into the small vessel from all sides, and the sky was dark and the sea was ink and he was drowning in the black - (and fuck him for that, too - for the omnipresence of even his _ name _ . As if _ everything _ about him hadn’t already been enough to ensure Remus could never move on, never forget, never _ look _at the stars without aching. As if all the rest hadn’t been enough - he had to steal colors from Remus too.) 

The silhouette of Azkaban sliced through the fabric of the night sky. It was only the second time Remus had ever seen it, but already he knew that shape would never leave his memory. It was burned into his soul. 

The boat scraped against the rocky shore, and Remus stumbled out. 

His heart was beating too fast to allow his mind any room to think. 

He didn’t bother trying to produce a Patronus. The futility of it seemed sickeningly ironic. After all - hadn’t Sirius been the one to teach him to cast the spell? Not just in the literal sense (although it had been him who whispered the incantation into Remus’ ears one bright night in their fifth year, while James and Peter slept. Had been his wrist which settled on Remus’ own and guided his wand through the movements. Had been his lips that brushed against Remus’ at the very moment a wolf burst from cypress wood- ) but in the figurative, too. Because who had given Remus the memories that powered the casting, if not Sirius? Who had ensured Remus had ever know enough happiness to be capable of it, if not for the very man who had now guaranteed he would never know happiness again? 

And of course - looking back, it had only been a few months after Remus first successfully managed the Patronus charm that Sirius had broken his heart for the first time. Had spilled secrets he’d sworn were sacred and made Remus think he’d never trust again. 

How much better off they’d all have been if that prediction had come true - but he’d mistaken red flags for Gryffindor pride and, in all his pathetic, miserable desperation, he had traded his best friends’ lives away for the sake of hearing someone say they loved him. 

He didn’t bother trying to cast a Patronus. What did it even matter, anyway? The dementors couldmt torment him when his worst memories already clung to him like clothing - and his worst memories didn’t torture him nearly as much as his best ones.

The cold seeped into him again as he entered the fortress and retraced his month-old steps, but he didn’t shiver this time. He had carried that cold with him since leaving this place. He would carry it to the grave. 

Again the prisoners didn’t spare him a glance, and he gave them not even a thought - until he caught sight of a Dark Mark on one of their wrists. Then the faces of Dorcas, Marlene, Frank and Alice and all the rest rose up in his mind - and he did have a thought to spare after all. 

_ Let them rot. _

He didn’t stop walking. 

Last time anxiety had risen up in him - anxiety, apprehension, fear - but not this time. The month he had spent drowning in memories of this place - that month, and the full moon that accompanied it, which he had spent with only a monster and and the echoes of abandoned promises for company - (promises like ‘It doesn’t matter.’’ Like ‘We’re your friends.’ Like ‘I will never stop loving you.’ Promises like kisses and ‘You’ll never be alone.’) - had left no room in him for apprehension. No room for anything but fury. Remus would not worry over him anymore. Perhaps he would never be able to stop loving him - perhaps he would never learn to smile, to laugh, to live, without him - but he would at least not surrender his concern on the alter of a traitor’s indifference. 

And maybe Remus did know what he hoped to gain from this, after all. For if there was any humanity left in Sirius - if anything remained in him of the boy Remus once thought he knew - Remus wanted to take it and crush it and leave him as destroyed as Remus was himself. 

In the face of futility, and death, and agonizing solitude - this was something he could do. This was a destruction he could control. This fury could save him from complete devastation. 

He reached the corner he had stood, one month ago - where he had listened and fled from the monstrous love the world had sent to wreck him. 

His steps were slow, but they did not falter. This time, he didn’t run away. He came to a stop before the final cell, and looked through the bars at a corpse. 

The monster wearing Remus’ skin growled and snarled and scented the air for blood. 

* * *

Sirius was running. 

_ Why, why was he running, where was he going? - He didn’t know, couldn’t remember, except - _

He was in a narrow tunnel; roots poked out of the roof above his head and tangled in his hair but he couldn’t stop; he had to reach the end - 

_ There was a promise. A promise he had to keep; he had promised Moony… _

He could see the end, now. Snarls echoed from behind the trap door, and Snape was there, and James, and - 

_ He had promised them, he had sworn he’d keep the secret, he had to - _

He had to reach them; couldn’t let them open the door. Everything would be okay as long as the door stayed closed. 

_ Keep Moony safe; Remus was counting on him and he wouldn’t let him down except - _

Except the roots were longer, now, and they were growing, grabbing at his limbs and forming webs over his eyes and he couldn’t escape them and Snape was opening the door, only- 

_ He had let him down and he had almost ruined everything and he could never let it happen again; and there was a promise, still a promise, and a secret someone had to keep, but not Sirius, not him; he shouldn’t be trusted with secrets so - _

It wasn’t Snape, anymore, it was Peter, and James was smiling and waving at Sirius and he wasn’t looking at the door and now Lily was there and the door was almost open and - 

_ Let someone else do it, anyone else, but _

The door was open and a skeleton with red eyes was stepping out and raising a wand and James and Lily were falling, falling into a flash of green -

_ No! _

And Peter was laughing and shrinking and slipping away and Sirius was still caught and he couldn’t catch him and - 

_ NO. No, no, this couldn’t be happening, couldn’t be true - except it was and it was his fault, all Sirius’ fault, and the growling was getting louder and - _

A wolf emerged from the trap door and it was snarling and howling and its fur was slick with blood and Sirius looked straight into eyes made of flames and he could feel them burning him, burning, setting him alight and he - 

Woke up. 

Sirius shuddered on the cold, stone floor, where he lay crumpled in a heap.

All he could hear were the shrieks and screams which never left this place, and his own weak, broken sobs. He did not feel like he was burning, anymore. The cold stole away every memory of warmth.

He raised a shaking hand to bury his face in - and as he did a figure caught his eye. 

Sirius looked up at eyes made of flames, and the burning began in him again. 

* * *

Sirius’ hair was a mess.

It was a ridiculous thing to fixate on, really, but Remus’ mind was stuck on it. He couldn’t look away from the matted, filthy tangles; couldn’t stop comparing them to the image of the man he remembered.

Sirius had always taken his hair as a point of pride. He had bribed James for samples of his family’s hair care products and reveled in its silky smooth length. For years, Remus had been the only person he trusted to cut it - until he got over his initial distaste for Lily (and with this recollection Remus’ hands began to shake) and allowed her to style it too. 

He had always let Harry play with it. 

A silly thing to pay so much attention to, after everything. Trivial, when Sirius’ cheeks were gaunt and he was lying crumpled and shaking on the ground, and the space between him and Remus was divided by ugly iron bars. 

But Remus couldn’t stop looking at his hair. Couldn’t stop remembering how he used to run his hands through it - couldn’t stop thinking about how everything had changed.

And perhaps if he kept staring at Sirius’ hair, he wouldn’t have to look at his face.

Remus didn’t know how long he stood there, staring. He felt very, very far away. 

And then Sirius woke up. And he looked up at Remus. And Remus couldn’t keep his gaze from darting to meet eyes that used to look like storm clouds and now just looked like ash.

For a moment, Remus couldn’t move. Couldn’t tear his eyes away from this wretched, hateful stranger he once would have sworn he knew better than anyone else in the world.

Then the stranger spoke. 

“Remus?”

Sirius’ voice was torn and shattered. He uttered Remus’ name like a plea; like a prayer. 

Remus hated that after everything, Sirius could still so easily wrestle his way into Remus’ heart. Looking down on this wreck of a man who knew how to devastate him with a word, Remus understood exactly how they had all been deceived.

(Despite the gauntness, the pallor, the filth and the rags - Remus still couldn’t help but find him beautiful. He wished he could tear his heart out with a knife.)

He took a step back from the bars. When you encounter poison, it is best to keep your distance. 

In response to the small retreat, Sirius surged up onto his knees and scrambled towards the divide. A skeleton hand reached out desperately past the metal, clawing at the air when it couldn’t quite reach Remus’ robes.

“_ Remus _ , the dead man gasped. “ _ Remus, _ you’re _ here _ . Please, _ please, Remus, I - ” _

Something in Remus’ eyes made Sirius stop dead. That something was _ fury _ . It surged inside Remus - because _ even now _, he refused to let Remus escape him. Wouldn’t stop playing his games. But Remus knew his tricks now. He could see him for what he was. He would never again be fooled.

Remus’ lip curled into a sneer that dripped hatred from every inch. Hatred for the man he could not stop loving - hatred for himself and for the world. 

“Black.” He spat out the name like a curse, and Sirius flinched as if struck. His tongue darted out to wet cracked, bitten lips, and his face crumpled like his promises. Remus allowed himself to sweep a scathing eye over the pathetic figure Sirius cut before him, and barked out an ugly, mocking laugh. 

“Look how far the ‘Most Ancient and Noble House’ has fallen. Finally the flesh reflects the madness within.” The words were coated in bitterness

Sirius looked more and more like a kicked dog every moment, but a desperate light was flashing in his haunted eyes. He pressed his face up against the bars as words tumbled frantically from his mouth.

“Remus no, _please_, you _have to_ _listen_; _Moony_, you don’t-”

“HOW DARE YOU!” The exclamation burst forth as though it had been ripped from his lungs. Remus’ breaths came in short, violent bursts. When he spoke again, his tone was deadly. “How _ dare _ you call me that name. After _ everything _ , how _ dare _ you act like you have the _ right _ . Moony was the name my _ friends _ called me, _ Black _ , before _ you killed them _ .” He delivered each word like a blow and leaned towards Sirius to watch them land. “Or have you forgotten them already. Forgotten that _ they were your friends too _! And you stabbed us all in the back like the filthy fucking Death Eater you are.” A tremor had begun building in his voice as he spoke, and on the last words it split apart and cracked. He had leaned forward so far his forehead was resting on the bars. Sirius was so, so close.

And Srius was crying. Streams of water cut through the grime coating his face. Remus wanted to revel in it. Wanted so badly to gain even an ounce of vindictive pleasure at tearing this monster apart. But instead he just felt empty. Like he had been ripping himself apart too. 

Sirius opened his mouth to speak and the fury spiked again - but it was an exhausted sort of anger now. A weak, tortured rage he clung to, for fear that letting go would mean he had nothing left. 

“No,” he whispered. “No.” He was crying now too. “I have had enough of your lies. I only want to know one thing.” He said it softly. He was shaking. “I will never understand - how you could have done it. Never. Not to James. Not to Harry. But just tell me - was there anything real in it at all?”

The question hung in the air like a body. Remus’ eyes were closed. 

All he could hear were his own shuddering breaths - and Sirius’. He was so close Remus could feel his warm breath on his face. He waited.

“_ All of it, _ Remus.” Sirius sounded wretched. Sounded tortured and distraught. “ _ All of it _ was real, I -” But Sirius knew how to lie.

“Stop.” Remus straightened up. He didn’t meet Sirius’ eyes. He reached for the place inside of him where his anger usually lurked, but there was none left. He had spewed it all out in his rush of vitriol, and all he had now was the weary shell that remained. Dumbledore had been right. He never should have come. All that remained for him here were memories and pain. “Stop. I don’t want to hear it.” He resisted the urge to look at Sirius one last time and he turned on his heel to leave.

He managed to make it one step before Sirius began to shout.

“NO! NO, YOU CAN’T GO! REMUS! REMUS! I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Remus froze. 

It was absurd. Of course Sirius would say it - whether out of madness, or of cunning, it was the nature of the guilty to proclaim their innocence. It didn’t mean anything. It was a lie.

(Remus would have given absolutely anything to have it be true.)

Remus froze anyway.

Sirius’ earlier frantic desperation had reentered his voice twice over. 

“I did _ not _ do it, Remus. I _ swear it _ . Please, _ please _ believe me.”

Almost against his will, Remus found himself being dragged back to stand before the cell once more. 

“Enough, Black. A street full of people saw you kill Peter.”

“No!” Sirius’ eyes were wild and his voice was ragged.” I didn’t - I _ would have _ ! But the _ rat _escaped before I could,” he snarled.

Remus’ heart was thudding violently in his chest. “You. Killed. Him.” The words cut his throat into ribbons as they passed through it. He didn’t know why, but suddenly he was determined to argue this terrible truth - as though there was any possible question of its validity. For some reason, he felt he had to force Sirius to confront what he had done. “If he had escaped he would have come to us. And even if he had managed to escape you - do you somehow think it’s better that you only _ planned _ to kill a third friend, after selling the first two to your _ master _.

“He wasn’t our friend!” Remus shouldn’t be listening to this. Shouldn’t be entertaining this madman, but - “And I _ didn’t _give up James and Lily. I never -”

_ “You were their Secret Keeper _\- ” He had been, he was, Remus knew that, but - 

_ “No I wasn't!” _

Remus was struggling to breathe. _ Stop listening. He knows how to lie; he tricked you for years; don’t let him trick you again - _

“What are you talking about. Do you honestly think you can still fool me, after - ”

“_ I’m not _ . We _ switched _ the Secret Keeper. To Peter.” The agony in Sirius’ voice seemed so, so real. _ Stop it, don’t listen, get out - _ “ _ I _ suggested it, Moony. It was _ my idea _ that killed them; _ my fault _ . I know that -” More tears were coursing down Sirius’ cheeks, now, and he looked devastated and broken and he was _ lying, he had to be _ \- “But I _ never _ suspected! Never _ imagined _ Peter would - would... I _ wanted _ to kill him, after. I should have!” He was snarling. He was pleading. Remus felt unsteady on his feet. “But he _ got away _ . I _ failed _them. I -”

_ Stop it. _ “Stop it; this is ridiculous. You’re lying.” Remus was clutching to his certainty and his mind was reeling and he _ couldn _ ’t seriously be _ this easy _ to fool (this _ desperate _to believe) - “James would have told me you switched -”

Except - _ except _.

Sirius’ eyes held so much regret it was no wonder the excess was spilling out as water. So much regret, and guilt, and pain. 

“We knew there was a spy,” he said, eyes trained desperately on Remus, as though he were Sirius’ only chance for salvation. (And maybe, _ maybe, _ he _ was _ ) “-And we thought - you were always _ gone _ .” His voice rose in pitch as it shook more violently than ever. “You never told us where you went. We thought you might - might have been - so we didn’t tell you.” Sirius threw his head forward and buried it in his hands. “ _ Merlin, _ Remus, you have _ no idea _ how much I _ wish _we had -”

_ No _ . “No, you’re lying. You have to be - ” _ Stupid, stupid! _When would he ever learn to see the danger in his path, but -

“_ Then bring me Veritiserum _ ! Tell the Ministry to give me a goddamn fucking trial! _ Fuck _ , Remus, use the Imperious curse and command me to tell you the truth; _ I don’t care _ . Whatever you want to do, _ whatever _ it takes - just _ please _ , please _ believe me _ . _ James _ , Remus. We’re talking about _ James _ , _ Lily _ . Our _ family _ ; _ Harry _ , Jesus _ Christ _ ! I could never even have dreamed of _ touching _ them! How could I _ ever _ have tried to - _ to _ .” Sirius was sobbing. Sirius knew how to lie. _ But _ \- “ _ Please _ Moony, _ please _ believe me. _ Please don’t leave me here alone.” _

And Remus - looking down at the man he had never been capable of not loving, as warnings raced through his head and screamed that this was a trick, _ had _ to be, _ don’t fall for it again _ \- Remus believed him.

He fell to his knees and gripped Sirius through the bars and clutched him as he sobbed and _ believed _him. 

How could he do anything but?

**Author's Note:**

> And then Remus convinced the Ministry to give Sirius a trial and they proved he was innocent and got custody of Harry and things weren't okay yet but someday they would be and Harry had a happy childhood and they had each other and no one had to be alone. Because in a world where infallible truth serum exist, how could anything else possibly happen?  
I might write a second part to this describing how all that happens, but we'll see. I should probably finish my WIP first.  
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it, but I finished writing it at like 2:00 am and there is absolutely no way I'm about to edit it any more, so this is what we've got XD  
If you ever feel like talking about my fics, or wolfstar, or honestly anything at all, I'm on Tumblr! My username is whogavemeaninternet; come say hi!  
Thanks so much for reading! Please remember to leave feedback, and to go over to 'Broken Howl' and give that fic some love, too!


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